Resources

What Grieving Parents Need

Grieving parents need to make time to take care of themselves and get support. This can be difficult when you have children at home. One of the biggest challenge can be finding alone time to process each individual loss.

For a mum or dad who is grieving, we recommend that they take the steps to tend to their own grief. You can’t pour into someone’s cup until you fill your own cup.

Of course, just as there is no one right way to grieve, there isn’t one direct route to healing.

Experts share some tips on how to parent through the pain.

7 Tips For Parenting Through Loss And Heartbreak

The Ivy Barclay Foundation recommends meditation and practicing mindfulness techniques to keep you in the present moment instead of worrying about the future or thinking about the past.

5. Stay active

Our bodies need release too. We keep grief and trauma in our body. Keeping active releases the tension we carry, and it also releases endorphins so that we can feel better.

Any physical activity helps whether you take a walk during your lunch hour or ride bikes with your child.

6. Practice self-care

It’s important to continue functioning in your family, but you have to take care of yourself, it is always important to get rest, eat well and drink enough water, but this is especially true when grieving.

7. Seek support

There are grief support groups for all types of loss that you can even attend online.

Make sure you reach out to people around you who are willing to help. This may look like a friend coming and sitting with the kids so you can attend an in-person support group or someone providing a meal and child care once a month so that you and your partner can go out and talk by yourselves.

Some Wise Words

The following information has been developed with help from bereaved parents who have experienced the death of their child.

Information About Children

Grief can feel lonely

This is often made worse if the death was very traumatic. In the case of children , they might be one of the only people that age to have experienced this type of loss. It might feel to them like nobody else understands.

What to Expect With Children Ages 4-7

Children this age may still see death as reversible. They may draw inaccurate conclusions that they caused the death — something called “magical thinking.”

They tend to ask a lot of concrete questions: “How did he die?” “What will happen to him now?”

Possible expressions of grief:

Nightmares, regression to earlier behaviors, changes in sleeping and eating, violent play, attempting to take on the role of the person who died.

How you can help:

Encourage expression of the child’s feelings through physical outlets as well as symbolic play (drawing and stories) and talking about the person who died.

What to Expect With Children Ages 13-18

Teenagers are capable of abstract thought and have a much more “adult” concept of death.

Possible expressions of grief:

Extreme sadness, denial, regression, risk-taking, preference for talking to peers and others outside of the family, depression, anger, acting out, even possible suicidal thoughts.

How you can help:

Encourage them to talk — but not force. Try not to “make it all better” or dismiss their grief. Allow them to mourn. Be available but respect their need to grieve in their own way.

Take Care of Yourself

While your first impulse may be to protect and comfort your children, it is crucial that you seek help for your own grief. If you are parenting or supporting a grieving child, one of the best ways to help is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself, too.

Find good sources of support.

Research shows us that how well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults in his life are doing. This doesn’t mean hiding your grief from your child. Rather, it means ensuring that you have people and activities in your life that provide comfort.

If you need help or some time to take a break and clear your head, prioritize asking for it.

By accessing support, you model for your children ways to take care of themselves, and you reassure them that you will have the energy and presence to be there for them.

Guided Meditaion & Yin Yoga

We have included two taster videos for you to try out, one being a ten minute guided meditation and another a thirty minute Yin Yoga practice.

Yin Yoga is more of a passive style of Yoga, ideal if you are exhausted from grief, shock and trauma. Yoga allows us to sit with the grief and yet at the same time create a space whereby you are connected to the present. Yoga is a great form of self care that can be practiced in the comfort of your own home.

This half-hour yoga session provides release and relief for families who are grieving.

Returning to school after someone has died

How your child’s return to school is managed is very important in helping them settle back in with the least possible anxiety and stress. Here are some tips:

Come in early on the first day

On the first day back to school, try to come in early so that you can avoid being part of the crowd outside the school. This also gives you a chance to discuss any concerns with the teacher.

Keep in touch with the school

On your child’s first day back, it can be useful to ask the school to give you a call part way through the day. They can tell you how your child is getting on (they may behave differently at school than at home) and share any good things that have happened.

Keep the school informed as time goes on

Let the school know if there are any changes to any circumstances at home, or if your child seems to be struggling more than usual. This way, they can keep a lookout for any changes in behaviour as well as be understanding of your child’s circumstances.

Don’t expect too much

Let your child ease back into school life and school work and don’t expect too much from them in terms of homework. Liaise with your child’s teacher about setting short-term, achievable targets.

Going back to school after someone has died can be difficult for everyone although returning to a routine helps kids of all ages do better when they know what to expect. Routine makes them safe and reassures them that the adults are in control and this reassures them.

Schools play a major role in children’s lives, and after a death — either a death in the family or in the extended school community — it is natural to expect that kids may experience grief that impacts their time at school or their ability to do schoolwork.

Information For Teachers

Here are some guidelines for Teachers and on how to help make sure students feel supported and are coping in a healthy way.

If it’s one child who has suffered a loss, work with that child’s parents or caregivers to resume a normal routine as much as possible even if it means modifying classroom work and/or homework for a period of time while the child is still grieving.

Stay in touch

Teachers and the school administration should stay in touch with parents in the days and weeks after the death has occurred.

Parents should be kept up-to-date about the school’s programs and activities so they can be prepared for discussions that may continue at home.

It is always best to be mindful and chat with students before exposing them to anything that could potentially trigger and re traumatise them.

School management and counsellors should encourage an open door policy.

Information for Employers

Why it makes sense to help your employees

Grief is experienced by many thousands of parents every year and bereavement is one of the most common factors potentially affecting employees’ performance at work, with an estimated one in ten employees affected at any point in time. Yet research has shown that bereaved people are being failed by a lack of support in the workplace.

When employees do receive sensitive and appropriate support, there are numerous benefits in the workplace:

• Individual performance and return to productivity is managed
• Improved motivation, commitment and attitude to work
• Reduced sickness absence
• Reduced staff turnover as employees are more likely to stay with the organisation
• Reduced risk of litigation through alleviation of any workplaces stresses
• For some occupations, effective management of health and safety risks

Being an organisation that recognises the impact of bereavement on all concerned and is sensitive to the needs of individuals who are bereaved, will ultimately make a huge difference to individual performance, staff retention and how people feel about your organisation.

All organisations will encounter bereavement and some have found it helpful to include training for staff on bereavement issues as part of their general programme of staff training. This allows the organisation to be prepared, rather than finding itself having to provide an uninformed response at a time of crisis.

Understanding the impact of a death in the family

Everyone’s grief is unique and the way one parent responds to the death of their baby or child may be very different to another.

There is no ‘right way’ to grieve. People do as they must, in their own time. They have lost an entire future with that child and are likely to be struggling with very painful feelings from this untimely death that is entirely against the accepted natural order.

In her book Family, author Susan Hill describes it as ‘having one skin less’. This increased sensitivity makes it important for employers to do all they can to support the bereaved employee and help to facilitate their return to work as much as possible.

There is a difference between the experience of a mother, who has physically carried a child, and a partner whose ‘working life’ would usually continue unchanged after the child was born.

A father’s grief is no less, but men and women can grieve differently. Men are more likely to want to return to work and be restorative rather than focusing exclusively on the loss, as many women tend to do.

When a mother experiences the death of her baby, returning to work may not have been planned for some time, if at all, and being at work when she should have been at home with her baby can be particularly difficult.

How you as an employer can help – a checklist

Some forward planning can help ease a bereaved employee’s transition back into work, supporting the bereaved parent and minimising disruption in the workplace. Some practical aspects to consider are:

Before the employee returns:

• Understand the cultural and family traditions important to the particular employee and accommodate these as far as possible.
• Recognise that where a baby has died, seeing other pregnant women in the workplace can be difficult and bereaved parents are often surprised at the strength of feelings they experience in relation to someone else’s pregnancy. Letting a bereaved parent know in advance of returning to work if anyone else has become pregnant may be preferable to them experiencing the shock of finding out on their return, which can be uncomfortable for both parties.
• Suggest that when the time comes to return to work, the bereaved employee might like to arrange a prior informal visit to the workplace for coffee or lunch to reduce anxiety around seeing everyone for the first time on their first day back at work.
• Offer restricted working hours or a different working pattern for the first few weeks/months to ease the employee back into their normal work routine.
• Support other staff by arranging a session for all affected to provide them with an understanding of grief and to allow them to air their concerns and anxieties about when their bereaved colleague returns.

When the employee returns:

• Appreciate that for a time the employee is likely to be physically and mentally exhausted, may be distracted or preoccupied and may need to take longer breaks or make more personal calls than usual.
• Never assume that, just because the bereaved parent may not be mentioning what has happened, they are ‘over it’.
• Recognise that a father’s grief is no less than a mother’s when a child dies, and appreciate that there is no hierarchy in grief – the loss of a baby at an early gestation may be every bit as devastating to parents as the loss of an older child. No parent ever expects their child to die before them, no matter what age that child may be.
• Be aware of the significance of the anniversary of the death, the child’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and so on, for the bereaved parent and their likely increased vulnerability around these times.
• Appreciate that when a baby or child has died, bereaved parents are susceptible to heightened concern about the health and wellbeing of any other children they have. A call from school to say a child is unwell is likely to be a much greater cause for alarm than it may otherwise have been. Equally, they may be preoccupied with and concerned about the grief reactions of any other children in the family, and need directing towards some sources of information and help for this.
• Recognise that for someone who has lost a baby or child in the past, being pregnant again will be a particularly stressful time and there will be a requirement for sensitivity towards their increased vulnerability/anxiety.
• Maintain good communication with an open-door policy and regular meetings between the bereaved employee and their line manager to offer support and monitor progress over time.

The impact on colleagues

Employers frequently underestimate the strength of workplace relationships and the resultant impact of a death on colleagues of the bereaved employee.

The impact of the death of a baby or child is such that the effect on colleagues can be profound. This is unlikely to be confined purely to those who are close to the bereaved parent and, as a result, colleagues may be particularly distressed themselves.

Other employees may be pregnant at the time or have children of their own, and such an untimely death can be very disconcerting for everyone who knows the family.

“What do I say?”

Colleagues often feel uncomfortable or perhaps uncertain whether or how to approach the person who is bereaved. ‘I don’t know what to say?’ is a frequent comment.

Bereaved parents tell us that it is not so much the words that people use, but the fact that people show they care that matters to them. Unsure as to how they should act, colleagues may actually avoid the bereaved employee out of fear of saying something inappropriate and causing them more upset, or reminding the person of something they assume they would rather forget. However, bereaved parents frequently express that lack of acknowledgement of what has happened to them is the most hurtful thing.

A simple expression of sorrow regarding what has happened can go a long way. It is important that colleagues take their lead from the bereaved person in terms of how much they want to talk about their child’s death.

“What is the best way to provide support?”

Employees often have photographs of their children at their place of work and may feel awkward about this, either in terms of displaying their own child’s photograph or the bereaved colleague keeping a photograph of their child who has died on their desk.

It is perfectly natural for bereaved parents to want to keep their child’s photograph with them, and colleagues should not be worried about referring to it. Supporting the bereaved employee to enable them to voice how they would like people to behave around them, and what would help them most, is likely to ease the potential awkwardness of these situations.

“How do we manage the work?”

Workload distribution is likely to change for a time around a significant bereavement. It is important to recognise that those working to cover for the bereaved colleague, who might be absent or less productive for a period, may themselves become temporarily stressed and overburdened with their additional workload.

Understanding the nature of grief and its impact on a bereaved colleague may help diffuse any growing resentments.

Support Someone Else

How can I help someone I know who is bereaved?

When someone has been bereaved, family and friends can often find it difficult to know what to say or do. Here are some tips that may help.Whether you are family, a friend, employer, teacher or other professional, you can do a lot to support bereaved adults and their families, even in simple ways.

What should I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

If you see someone you know who is bereaved, one of the most hurtful things you can do is avoid them or pretend you haven’t seen them. It can be daunting to know what to say but it can help to remember that the person who is bereaved won’t expect or want you to have all the answers or to make them feel better. However, they will appreciate you saying something that acknowledges their loss.

Try not to avoid the subject but say something simple like ‘Hello, it’s good to see you’ or even something like: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about {insert name/relationship}’. Even saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ is better than saying nothing. Take your cue from the bereaved person as to whether they want to talk more about the person who has died. If you’re not sure, ask them. If they want to talk, listen. If you knew the person who has died and it feels right, you could share a nice memory of them.

If you find yourself getting upset speaking to a bereaved friend, that’s OK. You don’t need to feel embarrassed, and your friend may appreciate that you care. Equally, it’s OK to sit silently with someone, if you both feel comfortable with this.

What shouldn’t I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

Don’t say ‘I know what you are going through’ even if you’re bereaved yourself. Everyone’s experience of bereavement is personal to them and no one can possibly know how it feels for someone else. Don’t say things like ‘you’ll get over it’ or if they’ve lost a child or baby suggest that they can ‘always have another one’. And don’t tell them how they should feel or say things like ‘Stay strong’ or ‘Be brave’ or use cliches like ‘Time is a great healer’, or ‘He/she is in a better place now’.

What help can I offer to someone I know who is bereaved?

Rather than asking ‘Is there anything I can do?’, which can feel quite vague to someone who is grieving, it can be helpful to offer something specific. Some people appreciate being offered practical support like preparing a meal, looking after children for a while or doing some shopping. If you can’t think of something specific, then it’s best to just ask them what would be helpful to them. Sometimes though you can offer powerful emotional support simply by listening, and being company for them, maybe by suggesting meeting for a coffee or going for a walk if these are possible. Stay connected in the weeks and months ahead, even if it’s just by making a phone call or sending a card. Families we support tell us this can be particularly helpful after the initial flurry of support has diminished.

Don’t act on the person’s behalf without consulting them. It may seem helpful to clear out a nursery after their baby has died or arrange the funeral for them, but it is crucial that these kinds of decisions are made by the parents when they feel ready. They have already lost so much – it is vital not to take away their control over important decisions in your own need to be helpful. If they ask you to help, that is different, and being alongside them while they make difficult decisions can be very helpful indeed.

Be patient – even if it sometimes feels that you can’t say or do anything to help, especially in the early days. Just being with your bereaved friend, or keeping in contact, without being intrusive can help more than you know.

I’d like to send a sympathy card. What should I write?

What you write in your card is individual to you and will naturally be influenced by your relationship with the bereaved person and the person who has died. Whatever the situation, you don’t need to write something formal or flowery; just writing ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘I’m thinking of you at this difficult time’ will mean a lot to a bereaved friend.

Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the person who has died and share any memories you might have, especially if they are things that will make them feel proud or remind them of a happy time.

You might add an offer of practical support to your letter or card, if you’re able to. It is helpful to make this as specific as possible, for instance offering to organise some shopping or other practical help. Sometimes a bereaved person isn’t ready to accept help, but it can be supportive to offer it and perhaps add your phone number to your letter or card so they can call when the time is right.

Don’t expect a reply or be upset if they don’t take you up on your offer; being bereaved can be overwhelming. Just keep in touch from time to time and ask them what they would find helpful without making them feel under any pressure to respond.

The anniversary of the death, birthdays and other special days may be very difficult. Sending a card, or just saying that you remember, may be very much appreciated.

Seek support for yourself

Spending time with someone who is grieving often puts us in touch with our own losses. It’s important that you feel supported so that you can help your friend, relative or colleague. This is also important if you are a professional supporting someone who is bereaved

Online Grief and Loss Library

Learn more.

Treasured babies

The Treasured Babies program supports bereaved families with gifts of handmade clothing and angel boxes.

More Information

To access any services or to find out what is best suited to your needs call the 24/7 Support Line 1300 308 307.

Or visit the Red Nose Grief and Loss Website

Book Recommendations

The Memory Tree

A Poem

The Elephant in the Room by Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yes we squeeze by with “How are you?” And, “I’m fine”…
and a thousand of other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else – except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there,
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It hurts us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about his illness or death
Perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say his name to you and not have you look away ?.
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone ….
In a room …
With an elephant.

Adapted from Food for the Soul (1991: Bereavement Publishing)